Bob Marley
Is This Love

I wanna love you and treat you right;I wanna love you every day and every night:We'll be together with a roof right over our heads;We'll share the shelter of my single bed;We'll share the same room, yeah! - for jah provide the bread.Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' I wanna know - wanna know - wanna know now!I got to know - got to know - got to know now!I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i - I'm willing and able,So I throw my cards on your table!I wanna love you - I wanna love and treat - love and treat you right;I wanna love you every day and every night:We'll be together, yeah! - with a roof right over our heads;We'll share the shelter, yeah, oh now! - of my single bed;We'll share the same room, yeah! - for jah provide the bread.Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' Wo-o-o-oah! oh yes, I know; yes, I know - yes, I know now!Yes, I know; yes, I know - yes, I know now!I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i - I'm willing and able,So I throw my cards on your table!See: I wanna love ya, I wanna love and treat ya -Love and treat ya right.I wanna love you every day and every night:We'll be together, with a roof right over our heads!We'll share the shelter of my single bed;We'll share the same room, yeah! jah provide the bread.We'll share the shelter of my single bed...

ive not been wanting to blog for the longest time, well, since i became single again, which was just about a week ago...
not angry or upset, just really bummed, and i feel like ive been cheated by life and love... hence the title of the bob marley song... "i wanna know, wanna know, wanna know...."
so many things remind me of janice, even though all i want to do right now is not think about her, or what has happened... like i want to move on from this so badly, but im not done getting over with it...
its hard to go on wiht life pretending like it never happened, because every moment im not working or doing stuff, it just comes back into my head... like a song you cant get out of your head...
i packed up all the stuff i ever got from janice... tonnes of letters, souviouneers from america, the heart shaped pillow, the porno mags the clothes and the uniform... i put it on top of my closet, so i wont ever have to be reminded of the relationship and its demise...
its not that i dont love her anymore... far from it... i want to love her, but it seems that right now im not the thing she needs in her life...
i feel cheated, screwed over by life, and above all, misjudged... i dont deny that what i did made her feel unloved, or that i thought the relationship was a sinking ship, as i always say... but what mades be feel cheated is that everything in the past didnt count for anything... its almost as if everything that happened in 2005 didnt exist, and all that every mattered was what happened this year...
ive done things that make me unworthy of your love, and ive been having the thought that the relationships not going to last... as strange as it sounds, despite that, i still love janice, and want to be part of my life and, mine a part of hers... i wonder if my love for her is still worth anything to her... i sure hope so...
"i want to love you, and treat you right... i want to love you, everyday and every night..."

need to air my thoughts....
as of late, my relationship with janice would be, what i consider, wierd... or to put it more clearly, distant... everyday, i feel like im one step closer to losing the girl i love, and yet i cat seem to bring myself to care abt it... as always, my mids going crazy, being torn in 2 separate directions...
the feeling of being distant from her comes from the part that i dont feel involved in her life, and how her life is no longer involved in mine... or should i say minimal... to me, i feel like ive grown too accustomed to her being away...
the otherside of me is feeling miserable, and in pain... i dont want this to end, i dont want something this good in my life to slip away... while i may feel completely void from janices life and unimportant in her life, the mere thought of being apart from her tears me up...
at times i feel like the word relationship is just there for names sake... whats the point in being together if we dont have any effect on each others life? and i say this with much hesitation and hurt, because it pains me to think of not being with janice...
all the frustrations i shared with you (janice), on monday... i was not really pissed off about those things... i just felt so trapped, and what i was really feeling was helpless... helpless that my relationship may be breaking apart in front of my very eyes...
you know i dont blame janice when she complains that i dont call enough... somehow i feel like im at a point where i am deliberately attempting to fuck up my relationship...
its hard being in the office sometime, namely because i always go there feeling so damn fucked up abt my relationship... its like i go out to talk to janice on the phone for an hour, sometimes i come back feeling like crap, and then i put on a facede to the guys in the office, that im the happy go lucky guy....
who knew that love could hurt so much....
janice if you read this, please call me so we can talk it out...