dont believe the truth

another post here, something i thought i would never do... its 1:15 am on tuesday, the 17th of october, or 0115 hrs, 171006, in military time... coming back to this fucking blog and reading the stuff i posted is surreal and it stings to read... its funny how the feels i had 5 months ago, as stated in the past 2 entries have evolved... heres a list of stuff that has worked, and not worked, over the past few months:
stuff that works:
-having close friends
-a family that love you more that life itself
-skateboarding

stuff that hasnt worked:
-smoking more
-partying harder

nothing new to people who have been through this kind of stuff before...
i seriously dread blogging here, its brings back too many painful memories... looking back at my first and last post, i find it amazing how fast i let things slide down the slippery slope of neglect and not-giving-a-fuck... im surprised that blogger has not closed down this account yet,seeing that it only has 3 entries, prior to this one... i wonder who even reads the stuff thats here, perhaps some person who clicks on some random blog, only to find a schizophrenic singaporean lamenting about waiting for the girl of his dreams, only to read 2 posts later that the shits hit the fan and that its all over... the guy probably read the first post and closed the window, not wanting to hear the poor son-of-a-bitch whining on and on about the stuff that happened....
its terrible pathetic, to look back at past emails and blog entries of her... reading that stuff, in a vain effort to rekindle the lost feelings of love and tenderness that i so carelessly wasted... but then again, like i always say, what are feelings? they are simply impulses, triggered by our brain to release chemical and hormones into our body, to create that feeling of "love"... that isant love, thats chemistry....
then again, can you blame me? i really enjoied every email that was sent by her... reading them for the first time, and just yesterday brought back the whole of the last year and 10 months into perspective... its almost as if each email serves as a bookmark on each happening over time, from the time i enlisted in the army, till this day, when im a commissioned officer, sitting in front of his internet enabled computer at 1am in the morning, blogger on an account he has not touched in ages....
i dont know what to say about the relationship... i want it to work out, and thats all i have to say, all i want...then again i cant blame her for moving on with her life, shes probably the object of many american guys desires in davis, ca... what does a simple boy from singapore have to offer a goddess like herself?
but then again, im just creating a story, and feeling sorry for myself... please excuse the last paragraphs words of self-pity, and lack of testicular fortitude.... to me, its always been about me thinking that im not able to deal with whatever life throws at me... and about constantly giving up that story, and living in the world of possibility...
ive been letting the whole story of i cant handle it, take control of my life... and it has manifested in that way... the other day when janice told me that she was going out to a party, just when i started to chat with her on msn, thats when i started to live in that world of i cant handle it... it manifested itself in saturdays skate session with the guys... i was going crazy, throwing my deck around and getting pissed off, something i havent dont in a long while....
i dont know what im trying to accomplish blogger here, in this desolate nook in cyberspace... then again, does everything need to have a purpose, and what is a purpose, anyway... it only exists in language....
dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind... words sung by kansas, which to a rare few, open up the world of possibility, a world where anything and everything is possible..... to others, its just a soothing song... such poetry in the words that were written.... the kind of song that i love... poety in the lyrics, essential for a great song...
i close my eyes, if only for a moment and the moments gone... all my dreams, past before my eyes a curosity.... dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wing.... same old song, we're just a drop of water in an endless sea.... all we do, crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see.... dust in the wind, everything is dust in the wind... now hang on, cos nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky.... it slips away, and all your money wont another minute buy... dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.... dust in the wind, everything is dust in the wind... in the wing...
strange how things that mean everything to us, are also nothing to us, just like the dust blowing in the wind...
i dont know how to end this blog... i guess that the right people will read this entry at the right time in their lives, and it will make an impact on them....