dont believe the truth

hi, my name is ken and would you like to hear about how my world recently collapsed?? well too late, your here anyway so fuck you and read.....

its a usual friday night, i came back from a night of skating at SP, which turned out to be really good because i was doing a whole bunch of backside tailsides to fakie consistently.... as most nights turn out, my brother and i decide to do some drinking and break out the scotch (our drink of choice).... as we finish up the bottle after playing card games and shots, we decided that we had enough for the night and went to our room to have a smoke.... the rain was pouring pretty heavily and i was pretty half-hearted about smoking, i hate getting my cigarette wet.... but drunk as we were, we decided to put on our raincoats we used during our army days and kept smoking, cracking army related jokes and laughing our fucking asses off....

heres where the world collapses.... turns out the wind is blowing into my room, meaning theres a lot of cigarette smoke entering my room and making it stink.... usually this isant a problem since we smoke at night when everyone is sleeping and the smell leaves within a couple of hours... this time though, my sister, who sleeps next door and has her room connected to mine via the toilet get us to use the toilet in the middle of the night, while the whole place is stinking of cigarette smoke.... she asks me if i am smoking and i quickly flick my cigarette and hide my pack while saying no.... but she is no idiot, so she confronts my brother who is still smoking in his room and me as well....

to say it was an emotional confrontation would be an understatement.... in short both my mom and sis are not OK with the 2 of us smoking and the worse part is that we have lied to them before, saying we have quit.... its not that we havent tired quitting before, ive tried a total of 5 times in my 3 years of smoking marlboro lights and each time i have failed miserably.... but lets be completely logical here, there is no sound reason that can be given to carry on smoking, the associated health risks, monetary cost and impact on my family is not foreign to me.... furthermore the excuses to not quit are weak, they do not hold water and serve to answer the momentary need for pleasure or absence of stress......

then again i still love smoking, and i love the calm and relaxation it brings to me.... top that off with the fact that i am an individualist who like to believe it is always in my own choices that i map out my life, i can see no reason for me to quit smoking.... in addition, it is in my opinion that unless a decision is made out of ones own choice to, regardless of external pressure and emotional blackmail, the choice and decision you make is not your own, you cannot be accountable for it and cannot say it is a statement you hold true....

heres the crux of the problem.... apparently there are many thing happening in my family that i am blissfully unaware of.... my sister, who has been making countless sacrifices toward the family, has been sacrificing her financial well being for us to the point where it is an immense strain on her.... she told the both of us that she has very little in her bank account, and despite her friends telling her that she should be saving money for her wedding and for herself, she is continuing to give till it hurts.... on top of that a recent health check up revealed that she might be having a fibroid growth in her uterus, which for me to say is horribly fucked is a grave understatement.....

remember what i said above about me making decision and calling them your own? well, the way i saw it was that it is a win-lose situation.... my family will only be happy if i quit but i want to keep on smoking, so how can we all come out of this chaotic bundle of wires? did i also mention that i hate things that might sound remotely like emotional blackmail? so i quit because my mother or sister are crying and begging me to, i will do so, resentfully, and know that i will pick it up again down the road in the near future....

so how can i make an empowered decision which i can live powerfully by and not have to bite my lip while making it? i dont think i can. because for me it smoking, smoking and smoking....


having said so much, it sure seems like i, as well as my family have reached an impass.... but after sobering up and having an early dinner just now, i began to think about how selfish my train of thought was....

1) you cannot expect someone to make a sacrifice just because you have made a sacrifice for them.... you made a sacrifice out of your own free will and to do so out of anything other would do injustice to the word "sacrifice"....

2) but, how can i not be moved at the sacrifice made by others on my behalf? have i become so cold and self-centered that i can no longer look at how much others are giving up for me and be simply concerned about my own pleasure? i have always been an advocate of being self-centered, doing things that you want to do and not giving 2 fucks about ifs, buts and maybes.... ask my friends and they will tell you that i am a self-centered person, not in the way that would make me an asshole, but in that i look out for myself and my pleasure....

if my family (mom and sis) willingly give up so much of themselves on my behalf, can i not make a similar sacrifice for them? like i said before, i used to think that doing things FOR someone else is a weak gesture, and an action you cannot stand by.... but what if doing it for someone else is the stronger thing to do? it still is a choice I made, and as long as it is one i made, i can stand by it.....

if i quit smoking this time around, its going to have to be an all or nothing deal, and all chip in kind of thing, simply because my brother and i have been down the track social smoking.... we know where it leads in that we will quit for a while, treat ourselves to a stick/pack and its all downhill from there, back to square 1 of buying 2 packs a weeks.... we know how slippery that slope is.....

at the same time, my brother and i both know we are each others best and worst influences... if he starts smoking again, i know i will start again, and vice versa.... for a lack of a better word, my brother and i are colluding mother-fuckers... so quitting this time is going to take us being each others best and worst influences again....

in the past few weeks, the term "thats how we roll" has been shot back and forth between my brother and i a lot.... my sisters friends questioned her, asking why she keeps giving up for her family while holding nothing back for herself.... the simple fact is that sacrifice is how she rolls.... in the context of the family, thats how things are, that we give ourselves to each other, without restrain and without asking for collateral or returns, and people will never get that....

i have forgotten about the family that i love with all my heart, and forgot the many wonderful things they stand for: the greatness of each other.... and if giving up smoking is the way i can give back to them and repay them the slightest for doing so much for me, that is a path i have to walk, and every time i feel the urge to buy a pack of marlboro lights to light one up, i need to keep reminding myself who i am doing this for..... my minuscule token of gratitude that i can give back to people that have stood for everything good and possible in me....

tonight will be my last night smoking... i shall do my UGC essay, go for a run and at the end of the night, crush the remnants of my pack and throw it away.... it wont be the first time i have done this, but i want it to be my last time....