Bob Marley
Is This Love
I wanna love you and treat you right;I wanna love you every day and every night:We'll be together with a roof right over our heads;We'll share the shelter of my single bed;We'll share the same room, yeah! - for jah provide the bread.Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' I wanna know - wanna know - wanna know now!I got to know - got to know - got to know now!I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i - I'm willing and able,So I throw my cards on your table!I wanna love you - I wanna love and treat - love and treat you right;I wanna love you every day and every night:We'll be together, yeah! - with a roof right over our heads;We'll share the shelter, yeah, oh now! - of my single bed;We'll share the same room, yeah! - for jah provide the bread.Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' Wo-o-o-oah! oh yes, I know; yes, I know - yes, I know now!Yes, I know; yes, I know - yes, I know now!I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i - I'm willing and able,So I throw my cards on your table!See: I wanna love ya, I wanna love and treat ya -Love and treat ya right.I wanna love you every day and every night:We'll be together, with a roof right over our heads!We'll share the shelter of my single bed;We'll share the same room, yeah! jah provide the bread.We'll share the shelter of my single bed...
ive not been wanting to blog for the longest time, well, since i became single again, which was just about a week ago...
not angry or upset, just really bummed, and i feel like ive been cheated by life and love... hence the title of the bob marley song... "i wanna know, wanna know, wanna know...."
so many things remind me of janice, even though all i want to do right now is not think about her, or what has happened... like i want to move on from this so badly, but im not done getting over with it...
its hard to go on wiht life pretending like it never happened, because every moment im not working or doing stuff, it just comes back into my head... like a song you cant get out of your head...
i packed up all the stuff i ever got from janice... tonnes of letters, souviouneers from america, the heart shaped pillow, the porno mags the clothes and the uniform... i put it on top of my closet, so i wont ever have to be reminded of the relationship and its demise...
its not that i dont love her anymore... far from it... i want to love her, but it seems that right now im not the thing she needs in her life...
i feel cheated, screwed over by life, and above all, misjudged... i dont deny that what i did made her feel unloved, or that i thought the relationship was a sinking ship, as i always say... but what mades be feel cheated is that everything in the past didnt count for anything... its almost as if everything that happened in 2005 didnt exist, and all that every mattered was what happened this year...
ive done things that make me unworthy of your love, and ive been having the thought that the relationships not going to last... as strange as it sounds, despite that, i still love janice, and want to be part of my life and, mine a part of hers... i wonder if my love for her is still worth anything to her... i sure hope so...
"i want to love you, and treat you right... i want to love you, everyday and every night..."
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
need to air my thoughts....
as of late, my relationship with janice would be, what i consider, wierd... or to put it more clearly, distant... everyday, i feel like im one step closer to losing the girl i love, and yet i cat seem to bring myself to care abt it... as always, my mids going crazy, being torn in 2 separate directions...
the feeling of being distant from her comes from the part that i dont feel involved in her life, and how her life is no longer involved in mine... or should i say minimal... to me, i feel like ive grown too accustomed to her being away...
the otherside of me is feeling miserable, and in pain... i dont want this to end, i dont want something this good in my life to slip away... while i may feel completely void from janices life and unimportant in her life, the mere thought of being apart from her tears me up...
at times i feel like the word relationship is just there for names sake... whats the point in being together if we dont have any effect on each others life? and i say this with much hesitation and hurt, because it pains me to think of not being with janice...
all the frustrations i shared with you (janice), on monday... i was not really pissed off about those things... i just felt so trapped, and what i was really feeling was helpless... helpless that my relationship may be breaking apart in front of my very eyes...
you know i dont blame janice when she complains that i dont call enough... somehow i feel like im at a point where i am deliberately attempting to fuck up my relationship...
its hard being in the office sometime, namely because i always go there feeling so damn fucked up abt my relationship... its like i go out to talk to janice on the phone for an hour, sometimes i come back feeling like crap, and then i put on a facede to the guys in the office, that im the happy go lucky guy....
who knew that love could hurt so much....
janice if you read this, please call me so we can talk it out...
as of late, my relationship with janice would be, what i consider, wierd... or to put it more clearly, distant... everyday, i feel like im one step closer to losing the girl i love, and yet i cat seem to bring myself to care abt it... as always, my mids going crazy, being torn in 2 separate directions...
the feeling of being distant from her comes from the part that i dont feel involved in her life, and how her life is no longer involved in mine... or should i say minimal... to me, i feel like ive grown too accustomed to her being away...
the otherside of me is feeling miserable, and in pain... i dont want this to end, i dont want something this good in my life to slip away... while i may feel completely void from janices life and unimportant in her life, the mere thought of being apart from her tears me up...
at times i feel like the word relationship is just there for names sake... whats the point in being together if we dont have any effect on each others life? and i say this with much hesitation and hurt, because it pains me to think of not being with janice...
all the frustrations i shared with you (janice), on monday... i was not really pissed off about those things... i just felt so trapped, and what i was really feeling was helpless... helpless that my relationship may be breaking apart in front of my very eyes...
you know i dont blame janice when she complains that i dont call enough... somehow i feel like im at a point where i am deliberately attempting to fuck up my relationship...
its hard being in the office sometime, namely because i always go there feeling so damn fucked up abt my relationship... its like i go out to talk to janice on the phone for an hour, sometimes i come back feeling like crap, and then i put on a facede to the guys in the office, that im the happy go lucky guy....
who knew that love could hurt so much....
janice if you read this, please call me so we can talk it out...
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
i dont usually post here, but a lucky few ppl get to read this private record of thoughts....
today the 26th of april 06, marks the 9 year anniversery of my fathers death.... as cliche-ed as it sounds, time realy flies by so fast... sometimes i marvel at how fast time passes us by, and its scary when you think about it... few ppl can remember what they did last week, let alone 10 years ago... but to me this days is as vivid as ever...
what was supposed to be a time of celebration turn into a night that changed my family forever... looking back, i felt so nieve thinking that my dad was out having an affair with someone else besides my mom... swear to god, that was what i was thinking when he didnt come home that night...
it seems so clear now... the waiting at the balcony, the hope that he might still be alive, the new the police officer brought, and the tears that flowed soon after... we cried ourselves to sleep that night, except my mom, whose mind was probably too worries about the future to sleep... imagine havng to raise your family by yourself... the only person you have to rely on yourself.. thats scary shit man...
the most important lessons in life are taught through the most painful lessons, arent they... the greatest gift in the world is to love, and to be loved, to be thankful for each breath that you get to take, and to be in the experience of all that is in life... to live for the moment, the now... to understand that life isant fair, and that you should punch the asshole who told you that it is... to know that in life, shit happens... but more importantly, SHIT HAPPENED... past tense, already happened...
today the 26th of april 06, marks the 9 year anniversery of my fathers death.... as cliche-ed as it sounds, time realy flies by so fast... sometimes i marvel at how fast time passes us by, and its scary when you think about it... few ppl can remember what they did last week, let alone 10 years ago... but to me this days is as vivid as ever...
what was supposed to be a time of celebration turn into a night that changed my family forever... looking back, i felt so nieve thinking that my dad was out having an affair with someone else besides my mom... swear to god, that was what i was thinking when he didnt come home that night...
it seems so clear now... the waiting at the balcony, the hope that he might still be alive, the new the police officer brought, and the tears that flowed soon after... we cried ourselves to sleep that night, except my mom, whose mind was probably too worries about the future to sleep... imagine havng to raise your family by yourself... the only person you have to rely on yourself.. thats scary shit man...
the most important lessons in life are taught through the most painful lessons, arent they... the greatest gift in the world is to love, and to be loved, to be thankful for each breath that you get to take, and to be in the experience of all that is in life... to live for the moment, the now... to understand that life isant fair, and that you should punch the asshole who told you that it is... to know that in life, shit happens... but more importantly, SHIT HAPPENED... past tense, already happened...
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Today i spent the longest 4 hours of my life waiting. I booked out of the island resort of Tekong at 8, after delaying for as long as a man can possible delay for. This was followed by taking a stroll in the Tempanis area, again to kill more time, but rather unsuccessfully, having only killed 1 hour...
It was only 10, and i took the train to get to the airport early... for what? i myself cannot explain that too. perhaps the anxiety of meeting a loved one for the first time in 11 months got the better of my thinking brain, so there i was in the airport, 3 hours ahead of the time the flight was supposed to land.
more loitering around, before buying FHM, something i swore i would not do anymore, after having told my friend, Panda, that it was a waste of good hard earned army cash.... coffee, read mag 3 times through..... and only 90 had passed....
out of reading material, i tried to sleep in the arrival hall chairs, an impossilbe task... Changi must have gotten wise about stupid teenagers who come all the way here to study and sleep, and installed the most uncomfortable seats ever to prevent the punks from sleeping there....
5 minutes of trying to sleep in a crappy chair and i head to macs... they have internet there, the modern mans saviour i tell you. but being a singaporean outlet, people used the 4 terminals with reckless abandon, forcing me to wait a full 30 minutes before having a free terminal. good for me, in a way, but not good if you hate waiting for, like i do...
whats this perpetual wait all been for?
for janice my girlfriend of course....
11 months apart have seemed so long, and yet so short. i guess the structered army life help the days, as well as my youth fly by....
life is a perpetual wait if you as me:
from the moment you're growing in the mothers womb-- waiting to get born
from the moment you squeeze through the birth canal-- waiting to die
from the moment education starts-- waiting for tests and exams, to get a piece of paper, just so you can get a dead-end job and end up regretting it for a while
from the moment you hit puberty-- waiting to get laid
from the moment old age hits you-- waiting for disease to conqure your once youthful, powerful self
from the moment you lie on you're death bed-- waiting to become worm food....
It was only 10, and i took the train to get to the airport early... for what? i myself cannot explain that too. perhaps the anxiety of meeting a loved one for the first time in 11 months got the better of my thinking brain, so there i was in the airport, 3 hours ahead of the time the flight was supposed to land.
more loitering around, before buying FHM, something i swore i would not do anymore, after having told my friend, Panda, that it was a waste of good hard earned army cash.... coffee, read mag 3 times through..... and only 90 had passed....
out of reading material, i tried to sleep in the arrival hall chairs, an impossilbe task... Changi must have gotten wise about stupid teenagers who come all the way here to study and sleep, and installed the most uncomfortable seats ever to prevent the punks from sleeping there....
5 minutes of trying to sleep in a crappy chair and i head to macs... they have internet there, the modern mans saviour i tell you. but being a singaporean outlet, people used the 4 terminals with reckless abandon, forcing me to wait a full 30 minutes before having a free terminal. good for me, in a way, but not good if you hate waiting for, like i do...
whats this perpetual wait all been for?
for janice my girlfriend of course....
11 months apart have seemed so long, and yet so short. i guess the structered army life help the days, as well as my youth fly by....
life is a perpetual wait if you as me:
from the moment you're growing in the mothers womb-- waiting to get born
from the moment you squeeze through the birth canal-- waiting to die
from the moment education starts-- waiting for tests and exams, to get a piece of paper, just so you can get a dead-end job and end up regretting it for a while
from the moment you hit puberty-- waiting to get laid
from the moment old age hits you-- waiting for disease to conqure your once youthful, powerful self
from the moment you lie on you're death bed-- waiting to become worm food....
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