another post here, something i thought i would never do... its 1:15 am on tuesday, the 17th of october, or 0115 hrs, 171006, in military time... coming back to this fucking blog and reading the stuff i posted is surreal and it stings to read... its funny how the feels i had 5 months ago, as stated in the past 2 entries have evolved... heres a list of stuff that has worked, and not worked, over the past few months:
stuff that works:
-having close friends
-a family that love you more that life itself
-skateboarding

stuff that hasnt worked:
-smoking more
-partying harder

nothing new to people who have been through this kind of stuff before...
i seriously dread blogging here, its brings back too many painful memories... looking back at my first and last post, i find it amazing how fast i let things slide down the slippery slope of neglect and not-giving-a-fuck... im surprised that blogger has not closed down this account yet,seeing that it only has 3 entries, prior to this one... i wonder who even reads the stuff thats here, perhaps some person who clicks on some random blog, only to find a schizophrenic singaporean lamenting about waiting for the girl of his dreams, only to read 2 posts later that the shits hit the fan and that its all over... the guy probably read the first post and closed the window, not wanting to hear the poor son-of-a-bitch whining on and on about the stuff that happened....
its terrible pathetic, to look back at past emails and blog entries of her... reading that stuff, in a vain effort to rekindle the lost feelings of love and tenderness that i so carelessly wasted... but then again, like i always say, what are feelings? they are simply impulses, triggered by our brain to release chemical and hormones into our body, to create that feeling of "love"... that isant love, thats chemistry....
then again, can you blame me? i really enjoied every email that was sent by her... reading them for the first time, and just yesterday brought back the whole of the last year and 10 months into perspective... its almost as if each email serves as a bookmark on each happening over time, from the time i enlisted in the army, till this day, when im a commissioned officer, sitting in front of his internet enabled computer at 1am in the morning, blogger on an account he has not touched in ages....
i dont know what to say about the relationship... i want it to work out, and thats all i have to say, all i want...then again i cant blame her for moving on with her life, shes probably the object of many american guys desires in davis, ca... what does a simple boy from singapore have to offer a goddess like herself?
but then again, im just creating a story, and feeling sorry for myself... please excuse the last paragraphs words of self-pity, and lack of testicular fortitude.... to me, its always been about me thinking that im not able to deal with whatever life throws at me... and about constantly giving up that story, and living in the world of possibility...
ive been letting the whole story of i cant handle it, take control of my life... and it has manifested in that way... the other day when janice told me that she was going out to a party, just when i started to chat with her on msn, thats when i started to live in that world of i cant handle it... it manifested itself in saturdays skate session with the guys... i was going crazy, throwing my deck around and getting pissed off, something i havent dont in a long while....
i dont know what im trying to accomplish blogger here, in this desolate nook in cyberspace... then again, does everything need to have a purpose, and what is a purpose, anyway... it only exists in language....
dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind... words sung by kansas, which to a rare few, open up the world of possibility, a world where anything and everything is possible..... to others, its just a soothing song... such poetry in the words that were written.... the kind of song that i love... poety in the lyrics, essential for a great song...
i close my eyes, if only for a moment and the moments gone... all my dreams, past before my eyes a curosity.... dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wing.... same old song, we're just a drop of water in an endless sea.... all we do, crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see.... dust in the wind, everything is dust in the wind... now hang on, cos nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky.... it slips away, and all your money wont another minute buy... dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.... dust in the wind, everything is dust in the wind... in the wing...
strange how things that mean everything to us, are also nothing to us, just like the dust blowing in the wind...
i dont know how to end this blog... i guess that the right people will read this entry at the right time in their lives, and it will make an impact on them....

Bob Marley
Is This Love

I wanna love you and treat you right;I wanna love you every day and every night:We'll be together with a roof right over our heads;We'll share the shelter of my single bed;We'll share the same room, yeah! - for jah provide the bread.Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' I wanna know - wanna know - wanna know now!I got to know - got to know - got to know now!I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i - I'm willing and able,So I throw my cards on your table!I wanna love you - I wanna love and treat - love and treat you right;I wanna love you every day and every night:We'll be together, yeah! - with a roof right over our heads;We'll share the shelter, yeah, oh now! - of my single bed;We'll share the same room, yeah! - for jah provide the bread.Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'' Wo-o-o-oah! oh yes, I know; yes, I know - yes, I know now!Yes, I know; yes, I know - yes, I know now!I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i - I'm willing and able,So I throw my cards on your table!See: I wanna love ya, I wanna love and treat ya -Love and treat ya right.I wanna love you every day and every night:We'll be together, with a roof right over our heads!We'll share the shelter of my single bed;We'll share the same room, yeah! jah provide the bread.We'll share the shelter of my single bed...

ive not been wanting to blog for the longest time, well, since i became single again, which was just about a week ago...
not angry or upset, just really bummed, and i feel like ive been cheated by life and love... hence the title of the bob marley song... "i wanna know, wanna know, wanna know...."
so many things remind me of janice, even though all i want to do right now is not think about her, or what has happened... like i want to move on from this so badly, but im not done getting over with it...
its hard to go on wiht life pretending like it never happened, because every moment im not working or doing stuff, it just comes back into my head... like a song you cant get out of your head...
i packed up all the stuff i ever got from janice... tonnes of letters, souviouneers from america, the heart shaped pillow, the porno mags the clothes and the uniform... i put it on top of my closet, so i wont ever have to be reminded of the relationship and its demise...
its not that i dont love her anymore... far from it... i want to love her, but it seems that right now im not the thing she needs in her life...
i feel cheated, screwed over by life, and above all, misjudged... i dont deny that what i did made her feel unloved, or that i thought the relationship was a sinking ship, as i always say... but what mades be feel cheated is that everything in the past didnt count for anything... its almost as if everything that happened in 2005 didnt exist, and all that every mattered was what happened this year...
ive done things that make me unworthy of your love, and ive been having the thought that the relationships not going to last... as strange as it sounds, despite that, i still love janice, and want to be part of my life and, mine a part of hers... i wonder if my love for her is still worth anything to her... i sure hope so...
"i want to love you, and treat you right... i want to love you, everyday and every night..."

need to air my thoughts....
as of late, my relationship with janice would be, what i consider, wierd... or to put it more clearly, distant... everyday, i feel like im one step closer to losing the girl i love, and yet i cat seem to bring myself to care abt it... as always, my mids going crazy, being torn in 2 separate directions...
the feeling of being distant from her comes from the part that i dont feel involved in her life, and how her life is no longer involved in mine... or should i say minimal... to me, i feel like ive grown too accustomed to her being away...
the otherside of me is feeling miserable, and in pain... i dont want this to end, i dont want something this good in my life to slip away... while i may feel completely void from janices life and unimportant in her life, the mere thought of being apart from her tears me up...
at times i feel like the word relationship is just there for names sake... whats the point in being together if we dont have any effect on each others life? and i say this with much hesitation and hurt, because it pains me to think of not being with janice...
all the frustrations i shared with you (janice), on monday... i was not really pissed off about those things... i just felt so trapped, and what i was really feeling was helpless... helpless that my relationship may be breaking apart in front of my very eyes...
you know i dont blame janice when she complains that i dont call enough... somehow i feel like im at a point where i am deliberately attempting to fuck up my relationship...
its hard being in the office sometime, namely because i always go there feeling so damn fucked up abt my relationship... its like i go out to talk to janice on the phone for an hour, sometimes i come back feeling like crap, and then i put on a facede to the guys in the office, that im the happy go lucky guy....
who knew that love could hurt so much....
janice if you read this, please call me so we can talk it out...

i dont usually post here, but a lucky few ppl get to read this private record of thoughts....

today the 26th of april 06, marks the 9 year anniversery of my fathers death.... as cliche-ed as it sounds, time realy flies by so fast... sometimes i marvel at how fast time passes us by, and its scary when you think about it... few ppl can remember what they did last week, let alone 10 years ago... but to me this days is as vivid as ever...

what was supposed to be a time of celebration turn into a night that changed my family forever... looking back, i felt so nieve thinking that my dad was out having an affair with someone else besides my mom... swear to god, that was what i was thinking when he didnt come home that night...

it seems so clear now... the waiting at the balcony, the hope that he might still be alive, the new the police officer brought, and the tears that flowed soon after... we cried ourselves to sleep that night, except my mom, whose mind was probably too worries about the future to sleep... imagine havng to raise your family by yourself... the only person you have to rely on yourself.. thats scary shit man...

the most important lessons in life are taught through the most painful lessons, arent they... the greatest gift in the world is to love, and to be loved, to be thankful for each breath that you get to take, and to be in the experience of all that is in life... to live for the moment, the now... to understand that life isant fair, and that you should punch the asshole who told you that it is... to know that in life, shit happens... but more importantly, SHIT HAPPENED... past tense, already happened...