looking at my bank acc and singapore bike forums always makes me damn sad... according to my calculations, i could have bought myself my first bike (sp or kr), by this time... maybe wait till the end of the month so i have a little bit more spare cash, but damn... still feeling damn hard up abt the bike...

$$ in bank now: $3000 (i think)

machine price: $1.5-1.8k

Insurance: $700

misc repairs and servicing: $300

petrol standby: $200

Total: $3000

straight A's this sem
bike license
started by savings account for my bike
money in the bank

my summer has officially rocked...

after 3 months, i have my 2B license! $$ spent reaches around 800 but it was a great experience...

why am i blogging when i should be sleep??

order of things coming up:

circuit revision
road revision
work at 3 till 11
sleep
bike prac test on thur morning, 7am....

another reason im blogging is because im frustrated as hell with my bike situation at home.. currently is 96 weeks to go and thats too long for me.... the waiting period is only making me more excited about my bike, and being a safe rider is abt character.... i dont speed or floor the gas when i drive the car, cant they see that i wont be that way if i had a bike??

im only eating at the meridian shopping center kopi tiam from now on... they are having a lucky draw contest and the first prize is a fucking Aprillia RS 125!
[img]http://mybikeshop.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/aprilia_rs_125_01.jpg[/img]

cognitive psych exam in 13 hours time, psycholinguistics exam in 37 hours time... fuck this sem needs to be over ASAP...

sinking feeling in my stomach, plus the insatiable urge to smoke is creeping up...

oh well time to call the girlfriend shes waiting up for me...

1) i hate that wedding dancing video.... instead of having my friends dance at my wedding, ide rather them get crunk at the bar and enjoy the wedding smashed.... just dont throw up on my wedding clothes....

2) its 8pm and i just woke up... i was supposed to start studying earlier but im going to grab dinner first with my bro before sending him to work...

3) finals next week, hopefully i ace this sem....

4)i need to set up my savings account for my bike.... should i set aside 250 or 300 a month?? 250 a month equates to 3000 a year and by the 2nd year 6000, provided i hold on to my existing job.... 6000 is plenty for a new 2A bike, maybe a kawasaki ninja, super 4 or maybe a scrambler....

5) my torrents are not moving and im pissed with that

6) i want to skate next week

gotta do laundry but i make myself a nice breakfast in the meantime... good tips these past few weeks, still dreaming abt my bike which is 99 weeks away....

fucking stressed, ill know in 4.5 hours... intense craving to smoke....

i want to swim in a river of hennessy right now... thinking about getting my masters is stressing me out, fucking 30k a year to do it locally....

awesome day at work today.... the dream team plus sham = lots of good laughs and no-nonsense working....

plus An is pretty much the funniest guy in Living Room....

its 8:30am on a saturday morning, got off work a little while back but somehow im in a good mood... maybe its because i had 2 extremely strong cups of coffee during breakfast, or maybe because the entire Tham household is busy with activity.... my mom and sis are getting ready to head to work and my bro and i are going to drink when they leave.... for some strange reason it feels good to have a lively household....

i havent skated in 7 weeks (i think) and i really miss it... hopefully the weather on sunday is good enough to skate, and the guys are up to skating too...

farewell michael jackson.... your music will live on forever...


A personal favorite for many personal reasons.... my friends sings it magically....


for mikey, we sing this song all the time.... (cant find the original video)


sweet a house/electro remix!

alright its been a week so i better get down to typing this....

my 23rd birthday has pretty much been my most awesome birthday every:

2 bottles of macallan 18 whiskey from my girlfriend and best friend
an external hard disk drive from my mom
"new" phone from my uncle
ipod classic from my sis
martell and a shirt from my friends at UB
waterfall, ak-47 and lots of other drinks from the dudes at work(blackout night again)
hotel stay at the conrad thanks to my uncle and Daniel
not having to pay for my booking at Furama hotel though i think i can never book another hotel with them again
drinking with sam, alvin, ali and my bro on sunday

fuck yeah man, my 23rd birthday was the bomb.... 103 more weeks to my honda fireblade!

thanks to everyone who made my birthday amazing:
my family of course
shalyn
skate friends
friends at school
my bros tris and gwao
mi-sao (our new japanese drinking friend)
my uncle
Daniel
the ppl at living room and firefly (siti, xiang wei, glen, an, sham, audi, hakim and my bro of course)

too many blackout momements and unforgettable toilet cleanings, falling asleeps and drinking games.....

but unfortunately the 2nd half of my sem has started again....

photos up later...

go shorty, its my birthday, we're gonna party like it's my birthday....

2 exams this week....

730 days or 104 weeks till my bike! the countdown begins!!

fuck i missed getting a gold for my ippt by 1 sec...

lets recap my thursday shall we??

up till 5 in the morning finishing up 2 essays
got up at 9
ran at 10 till 11
went to class till 5
blog meeting till8:30
dinner till 9:40
work from 10 till 6
back home (just got home)
leaving for bike class in 15 min, lessons from 8 till 12
drive home
short nap
leave for work at 3 till 11
sleep
wake up for ippt and 2.4 run....

remember the $$ i talked abt yesterday? well i spent it today on dinner and shoes.... now im kinda sad....

oh well, $$ is meant to be spent!

my wallet is full of cash.... but i need to deposit it to bring my acc total back up to 1.6k...

fuck, i failed my lesson 7 today.... 17 people taking the test today and only 2 ppl passed.... ssdc sure knows how to earn our $$....

so i talked with my sister about when i can get my bike....

she said 2 year from the day i graduate....

fucking 2 years...


fuck....

1st road lesson today was fun but got to repeat it...

fuck...

and i celebrated by 4th month anniversery on friday.... nice day out with the girlfriend...

working 15 hr shifts for my SP.... time for dinner, some studying and a run...

oh yeah bike lesson tmr....

wow, i spent my the last sunday of my holidays sleeping... i went to bed around 10am after work, only to wake up around 7, sleep again till 12 and sleep again till 1... at that time Shalyn gave up trying to wake me up and decided to tell me to sleep in all the way till monday morning which i did....

to recap my holiday:
worked 140 hrs at living room, earning around $1000 before CPF
bike lessons (im at lesson 5 which i have to repeat for the 3rd time on wed, fuck)
skated, but not much

ok school starts in an hours time...

heres a good tiesto mix:

vroom vroom!!

lesson 3, trial theory test passed and theory lessons clocked!

every time i have bad day, i just need to think about this baby and my day will brighten up:



the long work hours and fucked up customers will make this bike extra sweet...

2nd hand machine price: 1.5-2k
insurance: 600-900 (fuck)
road tax: 70
COE : 890 (if needed)
misc repairs and stuff: 1k

total: 5k++++

work work work work work work work work work work work work.......

1st bike prac on monday... time to work my fucking ass off so i can afford my bike!

final exam for this sem coming up in just over 3 hours... heres a list of things i want to do over my break:

work like hell to save money for my bike (vroom vroom!!!)
register and start taking the theory and practical lessons for bike
hang out with shalyn
skate often (2-3 times a week?)
get some filming done for the new slap video


pretty much all i can come up with for now...

the paradox of love

this evening i watched an old woody allen movie on tv titled "crimes and misdemeanors", and its been a while since i was so amazed by a movie... the moral dilemmas encountered by the characters is placed side by side with a religious argument & pro-life philosopher, neither of which gives answers to what the characters should do, but rather throw us into deep thought....

a couple of lines that really stuck out for me was by the pro-life philospoher, who ironically committed suicide later in the film:

“When we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom you were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted on us. So, love contains in it the contradiction, the attempts to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.”

“We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are in fact the sum total of our choices.”

he speaks of the paradox of love, of how we want to return to the past, and how we wish to correct the things that have made us who we are today.... he also spoke about how love and human warmth was the only thing that made the world a livable place, because in reality the real world is a very hash and cold place....

final say: watch the movie...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crimes_and_Misdemeanors

by wed, it will all be over...

meanwhile i need to get me some dinner and some quality TV time in...

shoes, new board, wheels or jeans?? which to buy...

exams in 2 weeks time, so it time to get on the study program.... drinking and a lot of work during the break to earn me some scrilla....

next sem will be tough, be at least im graduating in a year....

i just realized "love is gone" by david guetta describes my attitude towards bartending these days... its just a job, plain and simple... i used to be really inquisitive, make the effort to learn all the cocktails, come up with original cocktails and try to make the bar run as smoothly as possible... these days, the only thing i care about is when i can collect my pay check or when i the tips are out...

oh well, a job is a job...

crap my nights of binge drinking are over....

my arms are burning from gym sessions... im having problems typing....

thank you alvin for teaching me valuable workouts like lat pull down, flys and "fuck the woman"....

listening to coltrane always makes me happy....



really hypnotic voice, i remembered listening to this song on the radio growing up.... the lyrics are sad too..

projects, please end soon.... after thur, ill have 1 more left....

i love being surprised with guinness stout when im having a shitty day at school....

sunday morning rain is falling.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSWSi5Wa06A

the type of customers who really fuck my day up are the thick skinned, shameless mother fuckers, who constantly think im trying to cheat their money:

1. Chee Bye no 1: He ordered a vodka cranberry and was complaining why his change was taking so long. The cashier was doing something, and when i finally delivered him his change, he said:" I usually leave a $5 tip, but not this time." and "I want my 90 cents". When i pointed out to him the coins were in the flap of the bill folder, he said "you guys are trying to cheat the customer". Fucker; keep your tip and get the fuck out of my face
2. Chee bye 2: This mofo ordered this drink and used his credit card to pay. Just at that time, the cash register and POS system decided to crash on all of us, so we cant do any transactions. He then went on to complain how he had to wait for 1 and a half hours for his credit card, after i repeatedly told him the system was down. The fucker went to withdraw money, and lo and behold, when he return, his bill was processed. chee bye scolded me, gave me a fucked up stare and acted like I was the cause of his shitty night. go fuck yourself buddy
3. Chee bye 3: Our POS and cashier are down, and this guy orders a vodka tonic, gin tonic and a coke. the bill adds up to 48, so i took his fifty note and put it in the bill folder. A little while later he complains about his change, and i have to explain simple arimethic to the poor son of a bitch. (18+18+13 for the coke works up to be around 49 after all the GST). Fucker was so pissed a coke was 13 bucks, he was insisting we were ripping him off. After several talks from different managers later, he apologized, but not to me. Seriously, if you come to the bar, be ready to spend money, and for the love of god, be patient about your change. Im a bartender, not a cashier, so if you dont want to wait for your change, fuck off.

for my 200th post i shall keep it short and sweet:

i hate jason marz

(im not saying this out of spite, i just dont like him)

Dear Old Dad

a while back i posted a note on facebook, one of those 25 things about me kind of deals... one of the questions was "person you miss", and i put my dad....

well last night my mom was home alone and said she felt his presence... my maid went to pay a visit to his niche at the church and bought a 4D number with his birth year and she won herself $250....

are there accidents in life?

never cheat, steal, lie or drink....

if you must cheat, cheat death
if you must steal, steal away from bad company
if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love
and if you must drink, drink for the moments that take your breath away

i did my first ever backside lipslide today!!!

3 fights today at work, so the lights were on really early, meaning we closed early...

2 more days till non-conformist day, really stoked on that...

skating tmr, i think ill work on back tails and back lips....

i need to deposit $$ in my bank...

mind field is such a good video...

i say "i think too often"....

im looking forward to non-conformity day...

i know what i want to do for my birthday: i want to go to ice cold beer and do the 45 second beer challenge.... i came in 2nd at the zouk party and i want to be top dog all over again...

also im very happy to be attached....

seriously, fuck......

im hitting the bottle tonight....

fucked up things in the family remind me why i want to become a family psychologist....

i am fucking bummed: 4 rolls of film shot in taiwan on my new holga and all came back blank thanks to a camera defect....

good bye pictures of adorable dogs, mountains, cute kid at train station, city lights.....

thinking is the enemy!

danger is my ally!

new sem of school starts tmr..... pretty psyced....

its my last morning in taiwan and i thought it fitting to blog bout my trip....

1. cheap and very tasty food, i think the only thing that wasnt great was the stinky tofu, but even that was a fun experience
2. drinking ALOT, at all hours of the day... in fact im drinking a beer now and its 1030 in the morning.... 3 bottles of liqour done (1 bourbon, 1 rum and 1 scotch), all drank to keep warm and our sanity in check
3. some shopping
4. freezing our asses off at the top of some mountain
5. lots of train rides and seeing the country side
6. 4 rolls of film in, and i cant wait to see how they turn out
7. perfect girl selling wild boar sausage
8. climbing mountains without a jacket on
9. going to a dive bar, drinking too much beer and throwing up so much
10. sleeping in the bath tub because i was dead drunk
11. my brother having to pee out a window cos i was locked asleep in the bath tub
12. rock hard beds and wearing too much clothes to move
13. NUS sucks
14. performing a 100m sprint to pee and poop
15. "its beer o'clock!" (which is pretty much all the time)
16. anthony bourdain quotes for days
17. the worlds cutest dogs
18. disgracing singapore with my horrible chinese

photos up soon.....

off to taiwan with my family and lomo!

today was great, i spent it doing nothing.... doing nothing rocks after youve been working for 11 days in a row....

gotta pack my stuff for taiwan, got to go out to buy some shit too...

getting my holga later today, its gonna be rad...

i have officially been working for an entire week straight....

holy shit i dont remember blogging last night.... must have been pretty fucking hammered...

dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.....

im fucking hammered right now:

too many glasses of hennessy
shotgun a beer
more hennessy
take a shower
update my blog

dont believe the truth.... with everyone putting their own spin on what exactly happened, who is to say objectively?

skating later, in aboot an hour and skating again tmr....

my life seems very empty without having to cram for studying 24/7....

drinking sesh/bbq on sunday.... really stoked on that....

final paper of the semester in 7 hours time.... skate after and bbq on sunday.....

i need to poop........

3:57AM: exam is in 12 hours, and im feeling horribly unmotivated.... coffee time.....

i just want to skate.... grab my board and cruise, no plans or spots in mind just skate whatever we encounter.....

my spelling is getting worse

too many outsides....

i need a drink....

he great skate meet up!

old friends, new guys, skate the entire afternoon, photos, filming, dinner and booze after....

happy days....

just a thought....

stuff to do:

get a lomo camera
electric screwdriver all the fucking screws into the box
poop

you ever have one of those days where your really psyched to skate, been longing to skate for the entire week, watched tonnes of videos and had a whole list of tricks you were going to do?

only to actually start skating and have a shitty session??

yeah thats my skating for you....

health psych exam in 12 hours time..... reviewing the study guide....

red bull time....

miles davis on itunes......

need to take a shit....

http://www.instructables.com/

my new favorite website....

1st grind ever on the box

boy, our resident countersink driller expert

the finished product

jeff loving the double penetration of drill and countersink

i used to hammer boxes together now i drill stuff

alvin, getting attacked by the twin guns sodomy.... glue and a drill

jeff, still smiling after 6 hours of work (screwing, drilling, gluing)


photos courtesy of sam....

he aint heavy, hes my box....

sheet metal top with coping screwed in and countersunk....

our second project

short but solid

finally after 3 weeks of planning, the boxes were finally built today, costing a grand total of around 250 to repair 2 boxes.....

1. wood arrived
2. drill bit too big or got bent
3. electric screwdriver not working
   
4. cant drill into coping until we found the right drill bit
5. need to get larger drill bit to countersink the holes
6. blisters from manually screwing the screws in
7. mounting the sheet metal on the new box
8. mounting the coping on the boxes
9. waxing the shit out of the boxes
10. an immense sense of satisfaction

it sucks now that the box has become the skate clubs, which boy pointed out... hopefully they take good care of it and it will last for real long....

also it sucked to that so many ppl from the park came to sp to skate, around 20 odd of them were there... time to start chasing ppl away.....

fuck its finally done!! photos soon....

the family guy series has jumped the shark.......

once again, psyched to build the box, but i think its going to take till next weekend..... too much planning and measuring to do, but if we do it right, this box is going to be the fucking best....

exam on wednesday, finished my first round of studying and got to revise it again tmr and the day after....

working this thrusday and friday.....

time to have a beer....

kinda like this, maybe with more leg supports and a sheet metal top for great slides....

1 x sheet metal
1 x angle iron
1 x plywood top piece
2 x long base plywood
4 x short base plywood
12 x "legs'

liquid nails
screws
drill
slotted iron

so fucking psyched....

really psyched to build/repair the box at SP.....

wanting it is enough, the how will follow..... maybe worrying about the how is whats causing the distress......

i dont have to create suffering just because i want something really badly.....

-the grumpy bear

just want to get away from it all......

i just want to skate really hard and not give 2 shits about the world.....

what a fucking weekend....

filmed 2 shitty lines for the slap video....

uni party at zouk, which i got piss drunk at and i have no memory of most of the night..... did i mention i made a complete ass of myself??

i should really stop drinking....

long overdue viewing of there will be blood..... its a fucking masterpiece with some damn intense acting courtesy of daniel day lewis.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ml2Ae2SIXac

my life feels pretty shitty right now.....

weekend updates:
-broke my 2nd board in 6 years, and it was a gift from a friend a few years back too.... at least i learnt back tails on it....
-2902 gallery bar event
-contender fight night

fuck....

every feel like wanting to focus your life (see my facebook entry for definition of focus).... feeling that right now....

lets see:
ICT next monday that i need to defer
event this sunday with loads of things not done
stuff that i want to film
exam this thursday
paper due this month
project due this month
board with a crack down near the front bolts


thats strange, i dont think i smoke a carton in 4 weeks, more like 6..... FUCK I MISS SMOKING!!!

You have quit smoking for:

4 weeks, 2 days, 3 hours and 26 mins.

You have saved: 124.49 Dollars

by giving up 211 cigarettes.

finally found me a nice pair of shoes.... cost 75 bucks, which is pretty decent and its a colourway of shoes i have never worn in my entire 6 years of skating (usually black, white, black and white).... skated good right out of the box and the vulcanized sole and suede felt good....

skating this sunday at braddell, hopefully i get some footage....

another day of hunting for shoes to no avail, i might have to resort to buying etnies shoes, or loads of shoe goo....

thank god for iron maidens hallowed be thy name for psyching my up for my exam....

where in singapore can i find my fucking half cabs.....

either no size or dont sell them anymore.....

working ifor 2 days at st james powerstation reminded me why i dont bartend anymore:

too much for too little pay
being a glorified drink dispenser
assholes who think they rule the world just because they spent some money in a club
getting home after the sun has risen
hordes of people doing anything to get your attention so they can be served
having customers insinuate that i cheated their money
tips that go in a box, not my pocket

my current grades are fucked.....

i love mexican food night at the tham household....

working 2 days this week, bartending as usual....

got bartending event next month should be really rad.... coming up with cocktails is always fun....

thanks to the facebook quit-o-meter....

You quit smoking on: 07 September, 2008

You have quit smoking for:

2 weeks, 2 days, 12 hours and 7 mins.

You have saved: 68.17 Dollars

by giving up 116 cigarettes.

skating for 3 days straight, here are a couple of photos....

another rough night of drinking....

merry poppins is the theme of today, and she should come with a warning label......


apparently some guy in my uni thought it would be a great idea to jump from the 2nd to 1st floor, using an umbrella to break his fall....

somebody kill merry poppins so she can roll in her grave.....


just so you know, this is appropriate umbrella use.....

god i love religious fundamentalist.....

alvin had a concussion today.... we were skating the queenstown park and we were not there 5 minutes when he missed a 50-50 and smacked the back of his head on the ground..... he was disorientated for a while and couldnt remember shit for a good hour.....

a breakdown of things he asked me:
07 x what day and date it was
05 x how he fell and bumped his noggin
04 x if i called felicia
03 x this is fucked
03 x did we skate with romke today

it was pretty worrying but after i brought him to the hospital he got better, started remembering stuff.... he said it felt like the memories from earlier in the day seemed very distant like they happened a week ago... thats how i feel after one too many glasses of henessey....

well he's fine now and thats whats important....

fuck i really need to get shit filmed for the video.... you know what sucks? coming to terms with your own inadequacies....

both my ankles are sore from skating and basketball....

theres a nice drizzle going on outside with a nice breeze blowing into my room, thought it was worth a blog entry....

070908 0523hrs

i quit smoking for the 6th and final time of my life, welcome to the rest of my life.....

things that will help me through the withdrawal phase:
metallica
foo fighters
remembering the sacrifice
friend
family


its fucking go time....

hi, my name is ken and would you like to hear about how my world recently collapsed?? well too late, your here anyway so fuck you and read.....

its a usual friday night, i came back from a night of skating at SP, which turned out to be really good because i was doing a whole bunch of backside tailsides to fakie consistently.... as most nights turn out, my brother and i decide to do some drinking and break out the scotch (our drink of choice).... as we finish up the bottle after playing card games and shots, we decided that we had enough for the night and went to our room to have a smoke.... the rain was pouring pretty heavily and i was pretty half-hearted about smoking, i hate getting my cigarette wet.... but drunk as we were, we decided to put on our raincoats we used during our army days and kept smoking, cracking army related jokes and laughing our fucking asses off....

heres where the world collapses.... turns out the wind is blowing into my room, meaning theres a lot of cigarette smoke entering my room and making it stink.... usually this isant a problem since we smoke at night when everyone is sleeping and the smell leaves within a couple of hours... this time though, my sister, who sleeps next door and has her room connected to mine via the toilet get us to use the toilet in the middle of the night, while the whole place is stinking of cigarette smoke.... she asks me if i am smoking and i quickly flick my cigarette and hide my pack while saying no.... but she is no idiot, so she confronts my brother who is still smoking in his room and me as well....

to say it was an emotional confrontation would be an understatement.... in short both my mom and sis are not OK with the 2 of us smoking and the worse part is that we have lied to them before, saying we have quit.... its not that we havent tired quitting before, ive tried a total of 5 times in my 3 years of smoking marlboro lights and each time i have failed miserably.... but lets be completely logical here, there is no sound reason that can be given to carry on smoking, the associated health risks, monetary cost and impact on my family is not foreign to me.... furthermore the excuses to not quit are weak, they do not hold water and serve to answer the momentary need for pleasure or absence of stress......

then again i still love smoking, and i love the calm and relaxation it brings to me.... top that off with the fact that i am an individualist who like to believe it is always in my own choices that i map out my life, i can see no reason for me to quit smoking.... in addition, it is in my opinion that unless a decision is made out of ones own choice to, regardless of external pressure and emotional blackmail, the choice and decision you make is not your own, you cannot be accountable for it and cannot say it is a statement you hold true....

heres the crux of the problem.... apparently there are many thing happening in my family that i am blissfully unaware of.... my sister, who has been making countless sacrifices toward the family, has been sacrificing her financial well being for us to the point where it is an immense strain on her.... she told the both of us that she has very little in her bank account, and despite her friends telling her that she should be saving money for her wedding and for herself, she is continuing to give till it hurts.... on top of that a recent health check up revealed that she might be having a fibroid growth in her uterus, which for me to say is horribly fucked is a grave understatement.....

remember what i said above about me making decision and calling them your own? well, the way i saw it was that it is a win-lose situation.... my family will only be happy if i quit but i want to keep on smoking, so how can we all come out of this chaotic bundle of wires? did i also mention that i hate things that might sound remotely like emotional blackmail? so i quit because my mother or sister are crying and begging me to, i will do so, resentfully, and know that i will pick it up again down the road in the near future....

so how can i make an empowered decision which i can live powerfully by and not have to bite my lip while making it? i dont think i can. because for me it smoking, smoking and smoking....


having said so much, it sure seems like i, as well as my family have reached an impass.... but after sobering up and having an early dinner just now, i began to think about how selfish my train of thought was....

1) you cannot expect someone to make a sacrifice just because you have made a sacrifice for them.... you made a sacrifice out of your own free will and to do so out of anything other would do injustice to the word "sacrifice"....

2) but, how can i not be moved at the sacrifice made by others on my behalf? have i become so cold and self-centered that i can no longer look at how much others are giving up for me and be simply concerned about my own pleasure? i have always been an advocate of being self-centered, doing things that you want to do and not giving 2 fucks about ifs, buts and maybes.... ask my friends and they will tell you that i am a self-centered person, not in the way that would make me an asshole, but in that i look out for myself and my pleasure....

if my family (mom and sis) willingly give up so much of themselves on my behalf, can i not make a similar sacrifice for them? like i said before, i used to think that doing things FOR someone else is a weak gesture, and an action you cannot stand by.... but what if doing it for someone else is the stronger thing to do? it still is a choice I made, and as long as it is one i made, i can stand by it.....

if i quit smoking this time around, its going to have to be an all or nothing deal, and all chip in kind of thing, simply because my brother and i have been down the track social smoking.... we know where it leads in that we will quit for a while, treat ourselves to a stick/pack and its all downhill from there, back to square 1 of buying 2 packs a weeks.... we know how slippery that slope is.....

at the same time, my brother and i both know we are each others best and worst influences... if he starts smoking again, i know i will start again, and vice versa.... for a lack of a better word, my brother and i are colluding mother-fuckers... so quitting this time is going to take us being each others best and worst influences again....

in the past few weeks, the term "thats how we roll" has been shot back and forth between my brother and i a lot.... my sisters friends questioned her, asking why she keeps giving up for her family while holding nothing back for herself.... the simple fact is that sacrifice is how she rolls.... in the context of the family, thats how things are, that we give ourselves to each other, without restrain and without asking for collateral or returns, and people will never get that....

i have forgotten about the family that i love with all my heart, and forgot the many wonderful things they stand for: the greatness of each other.... and if giving up smoking is the way i can give back to them and repay them the slightest for doing so much for me, that is a path i have to walk, and every time i feel the urge to buy a pack of marlboro lights to light one up, i need to keep reminding myself who i am doing this for..... my minuscule token of gratitude that i can give back to people that have stood for everything good and possible in me....

tonight will be my last night smoking... i shall do my UGC essay, go for a run and at the end of the night, crush the remnants of my pack and throw it away.... it wont be the first time i have done this, but i want it to be my last time....